A little candor goes a long way
I promised myself this wasn’t going to be a blog about my boring life. just a about a few things I care about, and maybe, my journey as a writer. I still plan to dive into the books I’ve been left with and see what comes up for me. I want to know how it makes me feel, what I’ve learned, and why these things still resonate with me after so many years. In order for that to matter to anyone reading this I need to put it into context. When I was talking to my dearest friend I made the comment that I have lost eight members of my family. Seven of them in the last five years. I always said to myself that I shouldn’t feel sorry. I am a two time cancer survivor. I am still here and those dear to me wouldn’t want me to spend my time grieving. There are those who are far worse off than I. My sister lost her daughter, my other sister lost her husband of 35 years. My grief is nothing compared to that. To me they were brother(really, I’ve known him since I was kid) and niece. The list has grown so much I don’t what to do with all of these feelings. I keep telling myself it’s part of life, people die, things happen, no one’s life is perfect. Then the sadness descends. I’m forced to look at my own mortality, and they way I deal with life and death. I have to say I’m not doing the life thing very well. I hoped that by this time in my life, I would be a more successful writer, that our lives would be more secure. I hoped I’d be able to pay for my son’s college and my husband could spend his time making money as photographer. None of those things has happened. Life, death, illness, unemployment, stress have all played a part in the scenario. I’m disappointed with myself. I don’t feel like a success at anything But here, now, I’m trying to forge the path to a more positive way of thinking. I think of myself as every woman, nothing special. So, if you’re interested in looking into every woman’s heart, soul and life here we go. I’ve let the grief scare and swallow me. Working my way through the books and the music will help me heal and grow. There will be other experiences thrown in there too. Stick around for the journey.